Disclaimer: This post belongs in the Opinion section of the New York Times. It is pure opinion. Strong ones. Coming at ya fast. Are you ready for the OneandahalfSlices rules regarding Cheeseburgers?

1. Fresh beef patty required. Not frozen. Hard stop.
2. cheese: swiss or hard cheddar. no brie. 
3. toppings: lettuce, tomato, onion, pickles.
4. pickles: dill, crunchy, homemade. 
5. fancy toppings: don’t.
6. (unless): avocado, grilled portobello mushroom slice, or grilled peach slice. maybe. if it’s a leap year.
7. sauce: none. no mayo. no ketchup. no aioli. 
8. bun: brioche or fluffy sesame. must not disintegrate. 
9. basically: don’t fuck with it too much.